Bagel Belly Blog

London estate agents

For most of April and May I've been undertaking the Sisyphean task of finding suitable living accommodation in London, based on a fairly lengthy list of requirements and a rather sparse budget.

I must have seen more than 50 properties since the start of the search, dealing with more than a dozen different agencies. I now have a much better understanding of London geography (at least North and West London), and to my dismay an even better understanding of Estate Agent Psychology.

Herein some of the fun things I've learnt.

Firstly, all London estate agents are criminals. That's a little harsh - I mean to say they are lovely people, and genuine and honest professionals, as described on Greene & Co's website. I couldn't agree more, except for Greene & Co, who stood me up after I'd travelled 45 minutes by rush hour tube and walked 15 minutes in the pouring rain to a viewing. The bastards. Anyway, accept that there will be underhand tactics and dubious psychology at play when dealing with estate agents and your life will be much happier.

Foxtons are probably the worst for consistently over-valuing properties. I've seen shabby squats with them that are priced double or triple what competing agencies would charge in the area. But they do have the coolest cars (those racing colours minis) so that's ok. And actually, one property I saw with them was on for a bargain price. Unfortunately, they also required the tenants to allow potential purchasers to view the house once a week, as the landlord tried to sell it. Hmmm. Anyway, Foxtons certainly polarise opinions.

Be aware that all agents are fundamentally incapable of emailing you properties that match your requirements. Looking for 2 bedrooms? Expect to receive emails for one bedroom or studio apartments. No matter what your budget, you will always be shown properties at least £100 per week over the budget. Not keen on parrots? Expect to be sent "a parrot fancier's dream property!" at least a dozen times a week. In the world of estate agents, it's not the quality of the properties they email to you, it's all about the quantity.

Conversely when it comes to viewing time, if you show up with a list of more than three properties you'd like to see, you can almost guarantee you will be disappointed. There's a game estate agents like to play called "crap place, ok place, crap place", whereby for every nice but overpriced place they show you, they'll also bookend with two absolute horrors - often under the pretense of giving you an idea of what your money can get, but in reality to to psychologically pressure and panic you into paying over the odds for an average squat.

Sometimes getting the agents to show you properties can be like getting blood out of a stone. Especially on a sunny day, when they'll tell the rest of their office they are off to show you a dozen houses, and will then dump you after the first house and race off home for dinner or to get their nails done. Yes, this actually happened, several times. If you can do viewings early in the morning, you have a better chance of seeing more than one or two places before the agent runs for the nearest Nails R Us.

Female estate agents are required by law to wear impractically short skirts, high heels and fishnet tights. (My god. Did I really just complain about that? I must be really sick of their selling tactics.)

Most estate agents can park cars in gaps that I wouldn't consider parking a shopping trolley in. The notable exception (no discrimination intended) is the majority of the young female agents, who will cheerfully try and park in spaces better suited to shopping trolleys. I actually had to shout at one agent to stop her driving us into the path of an oncoming vehicle that had the right of way. The guys can drive, but unfortunately tend to drive like they are auditioning for Formula 1. Also London streets have lots of speed bumps. This is not a happy combination.

People are diverse, and if you think you've seen it all, you probably haven't. Viewing properties is a fascinating view of life, though often an unwanted one. For example there was the viewing where two foreign gentlemen were passed out in the flat after a heavy night (and morning) of drinking. It was off-putting to look around with one of them hastily picking up empty vodka bottles in his underwear. There's the family who were just cooking dinner (sorry I interrupted you), who seemed unconcerned about an excess of bacteria in the kitchen or the clouds of smoke, and quite terrified of daylight encroaching into the apartment.

There's the people that leave their most exotic laundry out to dry. That's nice compared to the ones that leave their very dirty laundry festering all over the apartment. There was one 'bargain' two bed apartment the size of a broom cupboard where four gentlemen were co-habiting, with a kitchen that was actually a cupboard in the lounge, and a bathroom with a ceiling black with mould. I asked the agent if they were planning to refurbish the place, for example replacing the radiator leaking onto the mushrooms growing on the lounge carpet, and was not too surprised to hear that cleaning would be up to the new tenants.

You can usually tell what sort of condition an apartment will be in before you step through the front door. One place I saw went to great lengths to give advance warnings, including copious rat traps in the communal corridor and stair well. The interior didn't disappoint, living up to the forewarning in a colourful riot of discarded food and unwashed, well, everything.

It's not all bad, and we did finally find a place that fulfills almost all our criteria and is even below our maximum budget. And one agency that managed to distinguish themselves and rise above the rest was Let's Do Business, crewed almost solely by antipodeans, who were refreshingly straight-forward and honest. We didn't end up getting a property through them, but they will be first on the list to call next time around.

Some of the nicer places made it onto a Flickr photo set of rentals.

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